(Man) Who'll start me at 100? 100 for a start.
100 I'm bid. 100 I'm bid.
Who'll give me 10, who'll make it 110? I'm looking for 110.
100? 110 I'm bid. 110?
Who'll make it 20? Come on, gentlemen, who'll make it 20?
120 I'm bid. It's with you, madam, at 120.
Do I hear 50? 150 anywhere?
Come on, gentlemen, that's a genuine antique. They don't come up every day. 150?
150 I'm bid.
Come on, gentlemen, I'm looking for 350.
350 anywhere?
Don't lose it, madam, don't lose it for another 50.
350 anywhere? 350 I'm bid.
At 350. Who'll make it four? I'm looking for four.
Any more? At 350.
Are you all done? At 350? At 350...
Lovejoy.
Can you manage that, Anthony?
That's lovely. Thanks, Stan.
Morning, Janey.
- Need a hand? - No, thanks.
- What are you doing? - It's perfectly obvious.
I'm loading equipment for an expedition to cross the Sahara.
Sure it's not the Arctic? What have I done?
It's what you haven't done.
I'm still waiting for you to keep your promise.
Remember?
Wrought iron spiral staircase, maximum ten feet.
Mm-hm. You knew just where to pick one up.
I'm on my way. It'll cost you between 80 and 100 pounds.
My client, you mean. What's your profit?
Treat it as a favor.
- When I see it. - Give me an hour.
- Good morning. - Yes, sir?
- Twenty of those, please. - The purple ones, sir?
- Please. - Right, sir.
- And a box of matches. - Box of matches. That'll be £1.41, please, sir.
Right.
Oh!
Oh, no harm done!
- It's fine. - Don't want to damage something like this.
No. I wanted a bit of a favor.
- I wonder if you might be able to help me. - What's that?
I bought this on the spur of the moment at an auction,
and it won't fit into my car.
Oh, yeah.
I wondered if you could stick it behind the counter
while I borrow my neighbor's estate car.
I won't be more than an hour.
That's too valuable. Suppose something happened to it?
Good heavens, it's not the real thing!
I only paid 75 quid for it.
Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to afford it, not on an army pension.
Look, I am in a bit of a spot.
Hello, Dave.
Hello, Lovejoy. On the scavenge, are you?
I heard you had one or two interesting items.
Most of it's gone now.
This hasn't. What d'you want for it?
That's spoken for.
Charlie Gimbert's taking a job lot to auction for Mr. Morgan.
I just had a word with Charlie and your boss. Gimbert doesn't want it anymore.
He doesn't?
But I do.
- Morning. - Good morning.
What an extraordinary place to keep a picture.
- Oh, I'm just looking after it for somebody. - Oh!
I'd look after it very carefully if I were you.
Why? It's not worth much.
That'll be £4.05, please.
- Not worth much? - No, it's not the real thing.
Oh!
Well, I think it is... and I'm an antique dealer.
- Really? - Mm.
- Could I have a closer look? - I don't see why not.
Mm.
Not the original frame, of course.
Quite an unsuitable one, in my opinion.
But definitely a Vincent.
Mm.
Very interesting painter.
Ended up at a debtor's prison.
Oh.
How much do you think, er, it might be worth, then?
Oh, not a fortune.
Let's see.
I'd give, um, 2,000 for it.
You mean, you'd actually buy it yourself?
Well, for around £2,000 I would.
Why, do you think the owners might sell it?
Well, they might do. I'd have to speak to them, of course.
Look, I've got a shop in Cambridge. Here's my card.
If they want to sell, just ask them to call me.
I'll do that, thanks.
Not a bad collection.
Ought to fetch a high price.
Depends on what dealers are around East Anglia this time of the year.
The height of the holiday season, most of the parasites play abroad.
Yeah, they don't put much sweat in, do they?
No. So, just the one price to fix the spiral...
Hey, Dave, where's the spiral?
That's gone.
Gone? What d'you mean, gone?
I sold it.
I was told you'd changed your mind, Charlie. Didn't want it.
Who told you that?
You sold it? How much?
Fifty. Cash.
Fifty?!
- But I thought that was... - You've been ripped off!
And I've lost my commission - a lot of commission.
Even on an off day, I could get 450-500 for a spiral staircase.
They're all the bloody rage, inside and out!
Never mind that. Who is this joker?
That's why I thought it was all right.
It was Lovejoy.
- Lovejoy? - Lovejoy!
I'll demolish that cottage of his.
Steady on, he rents that from me.
But I wouldn't mind you demolishing him.
# They call me the wide boy
# But they don't know
# They call me the wide boy
# Everywhere I go
# They call me the wide boy
# But they can't see-ee
#Just a wide-eyed merry me #
I don't believe it.
- So little trust. - Well, you'd forgotten all about it until...
Until the perfect moment. That's what I like about our relationship.
Is this where it's for?
Yes.
Well, what d'you think?
It's got potential, hasn't it?
Well, I quite liked it the way it was.
Well, thank you, that's very encouraging.
I don't know where you find all these people with so much loose change.
As it happens, one of my clients may have a financial proposition for you.
Oh?
Well, one favor deserves another.
Yes, he's opening an antique market in Norwich.
Big place. I'm doing the interior for him.
Go on.
Well, he just needs someone who'll find him dealers to come into the market,
point him in the right direction.
Norwich, hm?
I don't know. It would mean staying there.
That's what I do.
I've borrowed a house from a sculptor friend.
There's lots of room.
I suppose you could stay there, too.
(Phone)
Excuse me.
Jane Felsham.
Yes. Yes, hang on.
It's for you.
Hello?
It's Eric. How did you know I was with Jane?
When am I coming home?
Whenever I so choose. Eric, when I ever need a personal secretary I'll tell you.
Yeah, yeah.
Look, there's this bloke here to see you. Says he's gonna wait until you get back.
I told him there was no telling when that would be.
What does he want?
Spiral st...
A big chap, is he?
Well, about as big as his dumper truck.
Got a couple of mates with him as well.
I think I get the picture.
Tell him? Tell him nothing.
Lock the door and leave the back way. Goodbye, Eric.
Norwich, you said?
Out of harm's way?
It might just suit me for a couple of days.
A couple of weeks.
A lifetime, maybe.
So you'll pop round to the cottage from time to time
and make sure no one's demolished it with a ball and chain?
That hardly seems likely.
In this day and age you never know. Take my apprentice...
- No, thanks. - There you are.
One would think he could be trusted with a little duty like this.
Why not? He seems quite capable.
I tell you, I turn my back for a minute, he's likely to run amok.
- Young Eric? - Yes. Last time I went away
he polished off the Beaujolais, the Highland Malt,
my last Havana cigar and half a box of After Eights.
Morning, Mr. Jack, Lovejoy.
- Hello, Jimmy. - Need a bit of advice from you.
What do you reckon to that then? It's a genuine George Vincent.
Looks more like Gene Vincent to me.
- Have you bought this? - Yeah.
Fella brought it in the shop for me to look after. Didn't wanna sell it, but I got it for 550.
Oh, no, not that old one.
What d'you mean?
This dealer came in and offered you a few thousand?
Yeah. D'you know her?
No, but I know the con.
I'm sorry, Jimmy.
The most valuable thing you got there is the frame,
and that's worth about ten quid.
(Whistling)
To amateurs, the antique business must look very attractive.
You go to auctions, hang around junk shops,
find something no one else has seen and sell it at a fab profit.
What they forget is the time you put in to find out about the stuff, and the care.
You've got to care.
Hello, squire.
- Lovejoy, isn't it? - Yeah.
Anthony Palmer. Glad you found us.
You come very highly recommended by Lady Felsham. Can't be bad, can it, eh?
Welcome to Britain's newest and most exciting antique market.
This is Sarah.
Now, tea? Earl Gray, Darjeeling, whatever.
I'm Lovejoy, water will be fine, thank you.
I wanna be straight with you.
There's a number of successful antique markets in East Anglia.
It'll be hard to get enough dealers to make it work.
Exactly my own view, so I've come up with a USP - a unique sales proposition.
Art Nouveau, Art Deco, '40s, '50s, perhaps even '60s.
Lady Felsham got these done for me.
So, you got here. Hello, Tony.
Well, what d'you think?
- I'm not sure the proposition is unique. - But outside London it is.
The tourists'll love it, it'll be in their holiday brochures.
The 20th century isn't exactly my period.
- Yes, but you do know something about it. - I'm not an expert.
I'm not looking for an expert. I'm looking for a friendly guide,
someone I can really trust.
250 a week, cash.
In advance?
Right, first stop, Raina, it's just off Elm Hill.
He's the original Art Nouveau man.
If you get him in your market, it'll give you credibility, help get the other dealers in.
I know him, so I'll chat him up and then hand him over to you.
Listen, I made my first few quid selling encyclopaedias to illiterates
in mining villages in the Rhondda. I don't need help selling to these people.
Your job's to show me who they are and why they're important, right?
Fine.
It's amazing how the smartest people fall for a bit of flannel.
I said I'd gone to him because he was the most important dealer in the field
and I was offering him a special rent.
- How much? - Same as everybody else.
Right, who's next?
- Graham. - Who's the bloke I see there then?
It's a woman, Annie Horsburgh.
Tell her you've got Raina and she won't be able to resist. Take a right.
Good afternoon.
Hello.
Couldn't help noticing that painting. Is it yours?
Oh, no, I'm just looking after it for somebody.
- While he gets a bigger car. - Yeah, how'd you know that?
- Has a woman been in yet, asking about it? - Yeah.
- Did she say she was in antiques? - Absolutely right.
- Did she leave a card? - Yeah. Here it is.
Bonjour Antiques, Camden Passage. That won't exist.
- Are you sure? - It's a con.
Eh?
These two turned over a friend of mine. I'm trying to square the account.
I need to get my car. If the fella comes back before I do, could you keep him talking?
How am I gonna do that?
Offer him 150 for the painting. That'll keep him busy trying to raise the price.
Yeah, but what if he accepts the 150?
He won't. He's too greedy.
If he does, tell him it'll take you till tomorrow to raise the cash.
Do you trust me?
Yeah, yeah, I'll have a go.
(Mutters)
I had the feeling he wasn't going to go for it.
You had a feeling.
You've had a bloody feeling before and they've gone for it.
The really good synthetics like these are about £30 a square meter.
But they last a lot longer.
Oh, yes, and they give the whole building that quality feel.
- I think we should go for them. - Good, and you'll leave the colors to me?
Goes without saying, Lady Felsham.
Thank you, my darling. You'll phone me, will you?
- Yes, I will do, Tony. - Lovely, thank you.
- Bye-bye. - Bye.
- Hello, Janey. - Goodbye, Lovejoy.
I'll bollock you later for taking the morning off.
Pierre, this is Lovejoy.
- Our antiques expert. - The very one.
How do you rate the chances of our enterprise?
- Excellent, don't you? - Oh, excellent.
I gather we made a good start on the dealers.
- Mm. - Yes, I believe we have.
- Good, I'm glad to hear it. - (Knock on door)
Ah, that'll be my two friends I told you about.
Hello, ladies. Come on through.
Hiya, my darling, you look beautiful.
This is Elaine, this is Lisa, this is Pierre Helme, my business partner.
Sarah, can you open some champagne, my darling, please?
Lovejoy and I will just go over the plan of battle, won't we?
- What the bloody hell happened to you? - I'm sorry, it was a private matter.
What was it?
I said private.
Look, if I'm paying someone hard-earned money to do a job,
I expect them to do it.
Does that include the ladies too?
Nice little chalet. Think there'll be room for the two of us?
It's a lovely big room. What's yours like?
A little more feminine than yours.
So, tell me about Pierre. Is he bankrolling the whole thing?
Yes. Palmer's reluctant to put more than a little seed money into his own ventures.
Pierre's from the Lebanon but he managed to get most of his money out.
He's been looking for investments over here.
And Palmer found him.
Yes. Lucky for them both, it seems.
So Palmer gets his business financed and Pierre gets a string of new lady friends.
There's a word for that, you know.
Palmer's getting to you, isn't he?
There's something funny about his setup. Have you been paid?
Handsomely. Why?
It's just a feeling.
Everything looks exactly right but I don't feel it.
It's rather like the feeling I get when I look at a perfect fake.
There's nothing fake about those, is there?
Indeed there is not.
Which do you prefer, the Chagall or the Dufy?
Or, put it another way, the lovely big room or the feminine one?
I prefer the Dufy.
I thought you'd say that.
Lovejoy, what's the matter? Are you an insomniac or something?
Nine o'clock, Cuthie. Time all honest men were up.
That leaves you and me out then, doesn't it?
- I've come to ask your opinion. - What on?
Your expert opinion as a copyist.
(Laughs) You want another fake job done.
If you wanted to copy a painting in a hurry, would you try a Chagall or a Dufy?
That's rather like asking me if I'd rather be strangled or stabbed.
Chagall or a Dufy?
Well... it depends.
On?
What does "in a hurry" mean?
Overnight.
Over...
Overnight?!
Have you suddenly become a dope fiend or something?
It's all in a good cause. When have I ever let you down?
I've never been so stupid as to put myself into a position where you could.
I think it would be the Dufy.
But, it would have to have some sort of mistake.
Me, make a mistake?!
Deliberate mistake,
so it couldn't be passed off to anybody who knew anything as the real thing.
- Good morning. - Good morning.
Water for you, isn't it?
Lovejoy, come on, I'm raring to go.
Sarah, any messages, I'll phone in before lunch. All right?
- Actually, there's one for you. The BBC called. - BBC?
Somebody recommended you for the Antiques Treasure Trail. I think it was Jane.
What do they want me for?
They have a local expert every week. Jane obviously suggested you.
I don't think so. Could be bad for my deals if somebody sees me on the box.
- Be nice for me though, wouldn't it? - To have your expert on?
No, for me to go on.
You don't know the difference between a Fabergé and a French fry.
You'll have to coach me a bit more, won't you?
Come on, don't be so bloody English! Think positive. Come on.
(Bell tolls)
(Car horn)
Lovejoy, you scumbag.
You owe me a spiral staircase.
What're you doing now?
Just trying to earn an honest crust, as usual.
What are you doing in this neck of the woods?
I'm appearing on the Antiques Treasure Trail...
- (Car horn) - Up yours!
Taken a fancy to Tony's car, have you?
Yes, I have.
I want you to get me one when you go to Cambridge.
- Have you made a private killing? - I'm working on it.
But I'm serious about the car.
I want the same model, same color, same interior.
I want it hired from Friday through Monday from County Cars of Cambridge, nowhere else.
- County Cars. - Mm-hm.
- What about money? - Jane, please!
Lovejoy, I thought you were hiding in Norwich.
Yes, I am.
I want you and Eric to come and join me for a couple of days, there's work to do.
(Car horn)
I'll be right there.
I bet you never thought I'd sign them up this fast, eh?
No, I'm very impressed.
How'd you get 'em to sign three-year contracts?
Three years options on my site.
I tell them just how well-structured and financed the business is.
Of course, the old Roller, always give them a feeling of confidence, you know what I mean?
Excuse me, sir, excuse me, madam. Mind your backs, please.
At the front, please, thank you, sir.
Mind your backs, please.
- Ah. - How do I look?
Oh, I'm not sure about the tie.
It was a nice touch I thought.
Come on.
- Where are we? - Over there somewhere.
Here you are, Louise.
- Don't drop it, it's a family heirloom. - A what?
It's been in the family for years.
You always thought it was valuable.
It will be cash, won't it, Lovejoy?
- Full Equity rates for an actress of your quality. - Right, then.
Have a good time, give a nice performance, see you later. Off you go.
Hello, Lovejoy. Come to see the show, have you?
Yes. I turned it down.
Gave way to a better man to give you more competition.
You?
Seriously though, who is this man Palmer?
My new boss. Don't you know him?
He's converting that warehouse into the biggest antique emporium in the east.
He's the warehouse man. Well, he's a lunatic.
He's only got a one-year lease.
After that, it's up for demolition. Which is where I come in.
Smart mover, Palmer. Sure he's not one step ahead of you?
Do me a favor, Lovejoy!
- We're ready for you now. - Thanks.
Well, wish me luck.
- Your flies, Charlie! - Mm?
How's he doing?
Not bad. Try that again.
Art Nouveau started in the 19th century.
People got tired of the idea that all inspiration should be drawn from, um... Erm...
- Classical sources. - Classical sources, yes.
Part of a back to nature movement, yeah. Peter Morris and...
- William. - Peter Morris and William?
William Morris.
Ah, yeah, yeah, I knew that. I cocked it up.
I forgot the name of that loony bunch of painters, what d'you call them -
the brotherhood of, um...
Oh, what?
- Pre-Raphaelite. - The brotherhood of Pre-Raphaelites.
Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood.
It's the same difference.
Very nice. Lovely.
And I'm sure that with Charles Gimbert's auction room experience,
and the knowledge of Tony Palmer, what he calls 20th-century antiques,
we'll have an interesting tour of these articles brought here today from around East Anglia.
Some sound assessments, some good guesses,
perhaps even a few surprises.
And the first item.
Oh, a delightful vase.
- Art Nouveau. - Charming.
It's a very nice piece, that. How'd you come by it?
It's been in the family as long as I can remember.
My old dad used to save thrupenny bits in it.
Well, we're lucky he didn't break it open like a piggy bank, eh?
- (Laughter) - I'll say.
It's worth more than all the thrupenny bits you can get in it.
Do you know what Art Nouveau is, madam?
Well, I'm not quite sure.
Well, it all started in the 19th century when people began to question the idea
that all artistic inspiration should be drawn from classical sources.
It's part of a back to basics movement led by William Morris...
That's right, William Morris was the lea...
Of course, the chief influence here is the influence, um... of the...
the Pre, the Pre-Raphaelite brothers.
You see, this was the very sort of bird... female figure that they loved, you see.
Fascinating. How about a guess at the value?
Well, I'd estimate about £200 for the Staffordshire.
Doulton, you mean? Doulton, yes, no doubt in my mind.
Doulton, about 1910, probably decorated by an artist called Margaret Thomson.
She did a lot of work about this time for them, you see, yes.
I think £400 would be my estimate, love.
There's good news.
- Here you are then. - Oh!
(Laughs) It's all right, love, I never drop a pretty girl.
It's amazing how things go in cycles, isn't it, yeah?
20 years ago you could not have given away that vase.
Now anything up to the '50s is considered a bit of an antique.
That is what my new showroom is going to be all about.
Let's move on, shall we?
The gentleman over here has an extraordinary piece of furniture to show us.
Very nicely done, with just the right combination of eagerness and anxiety.
- It was a good part. - Your wages.
Oh, thanks, Lovejoy.
You better give this back to Davie Rulenta, I couldn't face him.
It went rather well, I thought. I'm sure that presenter fancied me, you know.
Right, see you.
A star is born.
- Bye-bye. - Bye.
- Hello, squire. - Tony.
- What are you doing? You coming or going? - I've just arrived.
Uh-oh. I think I see a dark cloud.
- I'm watching you, Lovejoy. - Not bad, Charlie, if a little rough on dates.
You set me up. The whole thing was a fix. You made a fool of me.
Would I do that, Charlie?
I almost felt a flicker of affection for Palmer the way he put that over on Gimbert.
You've got to hand it to him, he's a real salesman.
Con man's more like it.
- What news of the Rolls? - Oh, yes, they have one, just like Tony's.
- For hire? - Yes, but it's out of Cambridge at the moment.
- Won't be available till Saturday morning. - That's what I thought.
You didn't really want it?
One week living with Alexander and your brains go soft.
Do you know what Charlie Gimbert told me?
I can think of one or two things.
Your warehouse - it's due for demolition in 12 months' time.
Hello, what's this, Sarah?
Invitations for the party on Friday.
What party?
For all the dealers we've signed up so far. Tony wants to keep their enthusiasm going.
Oh, and he said to meet you on the corner of Park Road and Cambridge Street at 10:45.
Right. Do you know if Pierre's staying?
And I look forward to meeting you next month in Geneva.
Yours etc.
(Knock on door)
Mr. Lovejoy, how nice to see you.
Thank you for putting off your morning appointment. It'll be worth your while, I think.
I must ask why you requested me not to tell Tony we were meeting.
Before I explain that, I'd like you to answer me one question.
You haven't put your money yet into 20th Century Antiques, have you?
I don't think it's any of your business.
I already know the answer.
All right. As yet, I have put no money in.
But tomorrow, you will.
These matters are personal, between Tony and myself.
I must have your explanation for asking me these things.
For one thing, did you know Palmer's Rolls-Royce is rented from a garage
and is due back tomorrow?
Knocked our Lebanese friend dead when I told him.
But you haven't spoken to Palmer yet?
No, I thought I'd wait till tomorrow, till he gets all dressed up for his little party.
A refill?
No. D'you know, I'm really knackered.
I think I'll hit the hay.
I came back early so we could spend the evening together.
- Yes? - You haven't got a headache, have you?
No, I'm just... just really tired.
- Fine. Sleep well. - I will, darling.
- See you tomorrow, Janey. - Yes.
(Knock on door)
I thought you were never coming.
I may be the best copyist in the business but I'm not so sure that I'm the fastest.
I got it here as quickly as I could, Cuthie.
Oh, that'll be a good night's work, that will.
I'll be back for it at seven.
Here, not so fast. What about the money?
Half now, the rest in the morning.
It's what they told me.
Oh, well, off with you, Tinker, I've little enough time as it is.
Morning, Eric.
He's out with the dog.
(Lovejoy) Watch that broken glass.
(Eric) It's all right for you, your vehicle isn't damaged.
- I should hope not. - Are you gonna give me a hand?
- I'm late for an appointment. - I'm gonna be late an' all.
I slow down to let a dustcart pass and you ran in the back of me.
You shouldn't have stopped so quick.
The least you could do is give me a hand...
All right, all right, all right!
This is nice.
What? Oh, yeah, I know, it's about the best thing here.
Yes, it probably is.
Look, I'm gonna be late for this auction.
Hang on, I might buy this from you myself.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah. I really like it.
I haven't got all bloody day, you know.
How much do you want for it?
I said, I don't know, that's why I'm taking it to the auction.
I'll give you £300.
Well, I dunno.
No, I might get more for it at the auction.
All right, 500.
- You mean it? - Yeah.
Well, I've been told I might get quite a bit for it,
so, if I'm gonna take the risk of selling it here,
it'd have to be a thousand.
£1,000 for that? You're crazy!
He seems to want it quite a bit.
£1,000? More than I had in mind.
How about... 800?
Nah, forget it.
All right.
If you can get a thousand from a stranger in the street, I think you should go to the auction.
Where's he gonna get a thousand in cash at this time of day?
I'll get it from my house right away.
I want to take the picture, show it to my wife.
- No. - Why not?
If she wants to see it, she can come out here.
Right, I'll be back in a minute.
I'll bet you a fiver you never see him again.
How'd you like to mind your own bloody business?
What's that?
You bastards.
You bastards!
You had me worried a couple of times but in the end you got the nomination, Eric.
I can't believe it.
- Do you wanna throw it in the car, Tink? - Course I can.
- Lovejoy? - Yes?
Where are you?
I was just gonna make some breakfast. Do you want some?
Yes, please.
Don't you usually make breakfast in the kitchen?
Yes, yes.
I was just on my way in there.
What are you all sitting about for? Where's the food and drink for the party?
I canceled them.
You canceled it? Have you gone bloody mad or something?
I told her to.
You told her to? Why?
There isn't going to be a party, Tony.
What's going on?
I canceled the party because I have to protect myself.
I didn't want to be associated with a fraud.
Fraud? What are you talking about?
The game's up, Palmer.
You've only got a one-year lease.
You told Pierre you had it for 21 years and you've been giving dealers three-year contracts.
Pierre, this man is a nutter. You're not gonna listen to him, are you?
This has been a great disappointment to me, Tony.
There wasn't going to be any market. We were part of the window dressing to suck Pierre in.
Even the Roller goes back tonight, doesn't it?
All right, you're all very smart.
You're gonna have to pay something, Pierre.
Got some lovely photos of you and those hookers we took the other night.
How d'you think your family'll react to that?
On behalf of Pierre, I'll make a deal with you.
I'm making no deals with you. You're a rubbish antique dealer, you shut it.
Pierre, can I talk to you?
Hand over the photos now and Pierre'll forget about the whole thing,
or do what you want with them and we call the Fraud Squad.
I've spent a whole year setting this up.
You are a bastard.
I could...
If you wanna make my morning, give it a try.
So, no contractual debts?
No. I made sure they were all paid up to date.
Pity, though. It was going to look really nice in there.
Well, you lose some.
- Still, we got paid. - Yeah.
I'll see you at home, then.
Oh, there is one thing.
I don't know what you wanted it for,
but you could've borrowed the Dufy just by asking.